Comical misandry and the involved father; how not to screw up the conversation about the modern dad.

This is cross-posted at The NYC Dads Group blog

The word is getting out about the "new" father.  More involved, sharing equally or even taking a larger role than the mother in the raising of kids.  Our group is filled with men like this;  they're competent with their kids, competent at their jobs if they have them, competent with running the house.  Dads, employed or not, across the country are making parenting a more important part of their life.

That said, we still get the stereotype of being the Mr. Mom, trying and failing at replacing a mother.  Except perhaps around Fathers' day, we are presented as bumbling, laundry-forgetting idiots who can't manage as well as our wives.  Speak to most of us, however, and you find these stereotypes don't hold.  

With more notoriety coming for the involved dad, comes more media coverage. With more media comes the opportunity to correct the stereotypes.  A friend of the NYC Dads group, Adam Cohen, from Dadarocks.com, got such an opportunity at iVillage recently. See this recent clip from their video segment The Conversation Thread.

Now, while Cohen gets a great opportunity to set the record straight, the interview was set up in a way to reinforce the stereotypes, and we think we all can do better.  We've put together a list of a few things to think about when being an involved dad, and especially when discussing it, whether it's on TV or the playground.  We hope these will move the conversation forward and help us move away from 1950's clichés.

1) Don't be the boob. Listen, just because expectations are low, doesn't mean you have to live up to them.  We get a lot more credit for simple things just because people expect us to fail.  Everyone wants to make the Mr. Mom jokes about burning the ironing, burning dinner, and burning your kids up because you forgot the sunscreen. Don't let this be true, and don't let other people get away with accusing you.  

Saying that after you "mess up that laundry 3-4 times you don't have to do it again" might get a laugh, but it makes us all look like an idiot.  Most of the dads we know are excellent at managing their households, cooking, and making sure everything that needs to get done gets  done.  

Victoria Perico, of Savvymommy.com, says that "if we leave anything up to a dad that's major, most likely it will fall apart."  Not only is this complete nonsense, but it makes me wonder why she would tolerate her husband being like that. Our responsibility as an involved father is two-fold.  One, don't be that useless guy.  Play your part and take control over these things. Make sure things get done. Two, when someone calls you incompetent, don't laugh.  Correct them.  

2) Be involved in everything -- not just major discipline.   Don't just be there to back mom up when "it gets escalated."  Being involved with the discipline (and education, entertainment, and everything else) of your children is your job.  You want your kids to respect you? Be there from the beginning.  When posed with the question about fathers' parenting skills, it's not best to start by explaining that you let your wife do the "baseline" parenting.  

To kick this reputation, we can't be the Don Drapers of the world, or even the Ward Cleavers.  We need to make sure that we are there for the school events, scraped knees, and the time outs.  We are not just the nuclear option for our wives when they get overwhelmed.  

3) Be on top of your stuff.  One of the more offensive points in the video is when Amy Oztan, of selfishmom.com, says "Let's face it, I think that in most relationships, men just suck at logistics."  She describes it in the context of her husband.  Points like this need to be challenged.  While this may be true in her household, perhaps some of it is because she tolerates it.  She says "there's always that extra layer of stress," but she says nothing about trying to get her husband involved in doing those things.  When we allow negative behavior from our partners without trying to address it, it is also our fault. 

For starters, handling "logistics" and the small details is not a trait unique to one sex.  I've known plenty of amazing male and female project managers, which is essentially what parenting is.  Just because in one person's household, such as Oztan's, the woman is better at it, does not mean the rule holds true for all couples.  In our group, we have men who run all of the details of their homes while others take a more shared role.  That said, part of being involved is being on top of the things your kids need.  Be a counter-example to Oztan's point, and then correct people when they make such assertions.  

For better or worse, part of the "job" of being an involved dad is helping to change the incorrect impressions people have of all dads.  Set an example, live that example, and correct people when they are wrong. 

Would you say that if I was a woman? #2

While walking down upper Broadway today, I saw from a distance what looked like an elderly couple scolding a man standing on the sidewalk. Once I approached, I realized that the couple was reproaching him because his children, two girls about ages 3 and 4 give or take, had tripped over each other and fallen down, or something to that effect.

We passed him as the couple moved away and the girls were picking themselves off the ground while the father was saying to the couple "they'll be fine."

The guy was sort of standing there flabbergasted at the "attack", while waiting for the kids to get back to him. I said "no way they did that if you were mom." He laughed and said "Definitely."

Not too big a deal, but this was the first time I directly saw this happen out in public to another guy, which is why I was so taken aback by it. Say what you want about doing it for the kids, but it's none of your damn business.

Other dads, when has this happened to you? I have a feeling that this could become a recurring them on the blog. If you have any similar stories, please pass them along.

Would you say that if I was a woman?

The other morning, as the sun was shining and it was already pushing about 80 degrees when wife left for work with #1, I got the girls (kids 2 and 3) together, tossed them in the double-decker stroller (affectionately called the school bus), and sidled over to the local playground.  This playground is relatively new, (<2 years) and has a crazy water feature that shoots streams of water randomly 20 feet in the air.

#3 was passed out hard in the stroller in an Enfamil-induced haze, so I let #2 run around through the sprinklers.  She normally heads right for the swings, or maybe a slide, but she knows a hot day when she sees one, so she makes a bee-line for the jets of municipal H20.  Like most modern playgrounds, most of the ground is covered in these mildly squishy rubbery tiles of various colors that are just soft enough that a 2-year-old will almost bounce back up when they fall over backwards

The water area is not covered with these tiles, due to mildew and other various kinds of water-born nastiness that would accumulate between the grooves.  The water area is blacktop (tarmac for you Brits).  I imagine you can see where this is going. 

Seeing as how it’s 8:30 am, the playground is mostly empty.  Just a mom or two, and a grandma.  Their kids of various ages are meandering about.  #2 is going hog wild in the sprinklers.  Until she face-plants. 

She looks up at me, with a sort of puzzled dog look, and half smiles as the blood starts coming out of her nose.  I holler “You’re cool.  You’ll be ok.”  I casually get up, clean off her nose and scraped knees, pat her on the butt and tell her to get back in there.  Now mind you, this girl is a tank.  She doesn’t take garbage from anyone twice her size.  Just ask the 3 year olds who told her she had to stay off of a jungle gym.  She wasn’t the one who left in tears.  She’s daddy’s girl. 

As soon as she goes back to playing, I have this strange burning sensation on the back of my head, and I spin around to see a mother and a grandmother looking at me in absolute shock.  It’s all a blur, but their comments were along the lines of, “You know, you really ought to be more careful.  She could really get hurt.” And so on.  I shrugged, plugged my headphones in, pulled down my sunglasses and went back to watching my daughter. 

When I left later, the lecture that I got from them really started to irk me.  The entire stigma of men being incompetent parents needs to fade away a bit already.  This wasn’t the first time a woman has tried to intervene in my parenting, nor will it be the last.  That said, I really want to know what they would do if I were female.  Is it because I’m not a traditional caregiver that they have the cojones to assume I’m not a competent parent?   Or would they give the same lecture out to the mother sitting next to me, when she doesn’t bother with sunblock for the kids, and lets them run barefoot?

In my experience, it’s really only the guys they have the nerve to lecture.  Butt out.