Comical misandry and the involved father; how not to screw up the conversation about the modern dad.

This is cross-posted at The NYC Dads Group blog

The word is getting out about the "new" father.  More involved, sharing equally or even taking a larger role than the mother in the raising of kids.  Our group is filled with men like this;  they're competent with their kids, competent at their jobs if they have them, competent with running the house.  Dads, employed or not, across the country are making parenting a more important part of their life.

That said, we still get the stereotype of being the Mr. Mom, trying and failing at replacing a mother.  Except perhaps around Fathers' day, we are presented as bumbling, laundry-forgetting idiots who can't manage as well as our wives.  Speak to most of us, however, and you find these stereotypes don't hold.  

With more notoriety coming for the involved dad, comes more media coverage. With more media comes the opportunity to correct the stereotypes.  A friend of the NYC Dads group, Adam Cohen, from Dadarocks.com, got such an opportunity at iVillage recently. See this recent clip from their video segment The Conversation Thread.

Now, while Cohen gets a great opportunity to set the record straight, the interview was set up in a way to reinforce the stereotypes, and we think we all can do better.  We've put together a list of a few things to think about when being an involved dad, and especially when discussing it, whether it's on TV or the playground.  We hope these will move the conversation forward and help us move away from 1950's clichés.

1) Don't be the boob. Listen, just because expectations are low, doesn't mean you have to live up to them.  We get a lot more credit for simple things just because people expect us to fail.  Everyone wants to make the Mr. Mom jokes about burning the ironing, burning dinner, and burning your kids up because you forgot the sunscreen. Don't let this be true, and don't let other people get away with accusing you.  

Saying that after you "mess up that laundry 3-4 times you don't have to do it again" might get a laugh, but it makes us all look like an idiot.  Most of the dads we know are excellent at managing their households, cooking, and making sure everything that needs to get done gets  done.  

Victoria Perico, of Savvymommy.com, says that "if we leave anything up to a dad that's major, most likely it will fall apart."  Not only is this complete nonsense, but it makes me wonder why she would tolerate her husband being like that. Our responsibility as an involved father is two-fold.  One, don't be that useless guy.  Play your part and take control over these things. Make sure things get done. Two, when someone calls you incompetent, don't laugh.  Correct them.  

2) Be involved in everything -- not just major discipline.   Don't just be there to back mom up when "it gets escalated."  Being involved with the discipline (and education, entertainment, and everything else) of your children is your job.  You want your kids to respect you? Be there from the beginning.  When posed with the question about fathers' parenting skills, it's not best to start by explaining that you let your wife do the "baseline" parenting.  

To kick this reputation, we can't be the Don Drapers of the world, or even the Ward Cleavers.  We need to make sure that we are there for the school events, scraped knees, and the time outs.  We are not just the nuclear option for our wives when they get overwhelmed.  

3) Be on top of your stuff.  One of the more offensive points in the video is when Amy Oztan, of selfishmom.com, says "Let's face it, I think that in most relationships, men just suck at logistics."  She describes it in the context of her husband.  Points like this need to be challenged.  While this may be true in her household, perhaps some of it is because she tolerates it.  She says "there's always that extra layer of stress," but she says nothing about trying to get her husband involved in doing those things.  When we allow negative behavior from our partners without trying to address it, it is also our fault. 

For starters, handling "logistics" and the small details is not a trait unique to one sex.  I've known plenty of amazing male and female project managers, which is essentially what parenting is.  Just because in one person's household, such as Oztan's, the woman is better at it, does not mean the rule holds true for all couples.  In our group, we have men who run all of the details of their homes while others take a more shared role.  That said, part of being involved is being on top of the things your kids need.  Be a counter-example to Oztan's point, and then correct people when they make such assertions.  

For better or worse, part of the "job" of being an involved dad is helping to change the incorrect impressions people have of all dads.  Set an example, live that example, and correct people when they are wrong. 

Be a Responsible SaHD

When you are a stay-at-home dad, you have a responsibility that goes beyond your kids and family. Like any group that makes up a small minority of the whole, everyone looks at any one of us as the example of all of us. It’s particularly strange to be stereotyped in an entirely new way.

There are several things I’ve seen SaHDs do, including myself, that probably should be avoided, in order to further our cause. It looks like I’m going to make a lot of lists on this blog, here’s a list of things SaHDs should avoid.

1. Don’t accept being called a Mr. Mom. You can’t do this job if you are a bungling boob. If you’ve already been doing it a year, no matter what your wife, friends, parents, or anyone else says. You obviously know how to dress your kids, feed them, change them, and so on. If you let your wife think you are incompetent about something, she’s not going to trust you with anything. You’ve got this, and even self-deprecating humor about not having it together hurts us all.
2. Do it like you mean it. If you are doing this full time, it’s not about hanging home and watching TV. It’s not about killing time until you find another job. It’s not about for now. You are doing it, and show yourself, your wife, and everyone else that you mean it. If you are going to half-ass it, just hire a nanny already and go back to work. Of course, the few dads I’ve seen like this disappear (back to work perhaps?) pretty quick.
3. Don’t take any crap from anyone about your kids. Within reason of course. If you need to use a restroom to change them, do it. If people give you strange looks at the playground, in stores, or elsewhere, smile and say hi. Embarrass them. This article here from Daddy’s Home is a perfect example. Don’t accept any kind of discrimination or bias that no other group would accept. 
4. Just because you’re not leaving the home to work doesn’t mean you’re not working. Don’t let anyone try to tell you that this is easy. Yes, it’s a lot more pleasant hanging with your kid(s) thank lunching with Bob from accounting, but very little, short of running a busy restaurant compares to trying to feed, bathe, and bed 3 kids of different ages and schedules at once. I’d venture to say that most people can’t handle it.
5. Don’t just nod and smile when you’re asked “Babysitting today?” by a random stranger. Every time someone says this, reinforce that it’s not today, it is EVERY day. Tell them that this is your job. You shouldn’t proselytize, but break the image that it’s just a day off.
6. Don't take leading or rude questions. I've seen a lot of dads get interviewed. I've even seen one Dad get asked how his sex life is. If a reporter or a stranger's question is rude, or if they are trying to get you to say something you don't agree with, call them on it. Don't just deflect, tell them they are wrong. Tell the woman who says "oh come on, when I was married, my husband didn't change any diapers" (true story) that perhaps that's why she isn't married anymore. Don't stand for bullshit.
7. Be a Man, damn it. Whatever it means to you, be a man. You are not doing “women’s work” and you need to parent as a man. You still talk sports, cars, or whatever interested you before, and you didn’t put on a dress (not that mom’s can really parent in a skirt either). Don’t change who you are just because you have your kids. And don’t stand for anyone else who would suggest that you’ve done otherwise.
8. George Lopez is an unfunny douche. Click here.

Screw you and your Mr. Mom Bull. (Happy Father's day)

So of course it's Father's Day, which means a bunch of fluff pieces about Dads and even stay-at-home-dads. Of course, thanks to Michael Frikking Keaton, 86.7% of these will roughly contain the phrase "Mr. Mom."

Case in point from today

I am not a Mr. Mom. I am not a manny. I am not some schmuck in an apron who doesn't know how to vacuum and feeds the kids chili. I am not going to blow up the house, or any of that crap.

The phrase intimates that I am TRYING to be mom. I am doing nothing of the sort and anyone who is needs a talking to.

I tell my kids to walk it off. I laugh at a little blood. I do not panic unless stitches or a cast will be necessary.

A face full of dirt is fine until you are done playing football. Even if you are a girl. My mouth is sufficient to sanitize a pacifier (well maybe not, but in a pinch what are you going to do?).

If my child shoves your child because your child was nasty to her, I will tell you she deserved it, even while I scold my child for getting physical. If our children are rolling around on the grass (or mud, or asphalt, or dog poo) rough-housing and they are laughing, I will not intervene, unless one is on the brink of bone-damage. If one cries, I will help them up, and get them to laugh it off.

I am a Dad and proud of it. I am not a mom. And if you call me one, I'm liable to punch you in the face.

Thank you.